The Day I Lost Me

December 14, 2011 in Church, Leadership with 7 Comments

I was having lunch with my brother last week, and we were talking about how hard it was to be a pastor (I was a full-time pastor for a really long time, and my story is here). Halfway through our conversation, he told me that, years ago he began to see signs that I was becoming someone very different than who he knew me to be. I was starting to act like someone I wasn’t, and it wasn’t a good thing.

I was becoming someone who wouldn’t let other people in.

I would pride myself in having all the answers to every big question.

I was critical of other pastors who weren’t doing church the way I was.

My brother said that he was beginning to see things in me that I was blinded to. I had become more judgmental, more self-righteous, and frankly more plastic.

I was losing me.

As I reflect back on that, I realize that it all started when I was 23. At that point, I was asked to be a youth pastor at a local church, and I wanted to jump at the chance. But as I looked at the beautiful potential of that ministry, I also stood at the top of a slippery slope – a slope I would soon cascade down.

In that exact moment, I remember the Elders of this church grilling me about my personal holiness, in the middle of my interview weekend. And over coffee at a Perko’s restaurant, I remember answering them with several lines of complete crap, then thinking this on the drive home -

If I don’t have it all together, I’m dead.

I took the job, but I also began to live with this consistent belief that, in order to be an effective and well-liked pastor, I had to have it all together.

And that evening, I began my acting career.

Seventeen years later, I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the guy staring back at me. So I repented, and cried, and confessed, then repented some more. I vowed never to fake anything anymore – with my wife, my daughters, my friends, or with any group that would listen to me speak publicly.

And at 47, I think I’ve found me. Again.

So if you’ve lost yourself in the demanding and deceiving voices that accompany all who enter into pastoral ministry, please know this one simple truth.

People don’t need you to have it all together. 

You may want to read that again. Maybe aloud. Maybe to your spouse. Definitely to your Adversary.

From the deepest part of my finally-understanding-this-stuff heart, please know this…

People don’t need you to have it all together. They need you to be broken, and offer them Jesus anyway.

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About Gary: I explore the intersection where Christianity, creativity, and leadership converge. I wrote a book about that intersection called PURSUING CHRIST. CREATING ART.

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  • http://www.jasonvana.com Jason Vana

    The sad truth is that church culture seems to foster the idea that leaders have to have it all together, and if you do have a struggle or weakness, you're fired. I know a youth pastor who struggled with porn and when he talked to the church staff about it in order to get help and find healing, they told him to leave and not come back. Some churches don't go to that extreme, but there tends to be that underlying expectation that leaders have to be perfect. Thankfully, God is starting to change that attitude in a lot of places, and leaders are finding hope and healing, too.
    My recent post Called Very Good

    • Gary Molander

      Jason – I've heard that youth pastor's story played out in so many other churches. And I agree with you – there seems to be winds of change in the air with regard to pastors who are willing to admit honest brokenness. Thanks for posting. GM.

  • http://twitter.com/brandonclements @brandonclements

    Wow, thanks for sharing this Gary. I really appreciate your transparency in this, and I pray your warning will keep others from going down the same path. As a young pastor on staff at a church plant, I am very thankful that we have a culture where pastors get to be normal humans too, and that we are friends who can pastor each other when needed. I probably take that for granted too often. And I do that showing people you don't have it all together is many times the best gift you can give them. "They need you to be broken, and offer them Jesus anyway" sums it up very nicely.

    I'm glad you found yourself again.
    My recent post Why I Put Cursing In A Supposedly Christian Book

  • http://twitter.com/LizMcLennan @LizMcLennan

    Incredible honesty here. God bless Larry at "Christian in the Rough" for leading me here. __Welcome back, friend.__Welcome home.

  • http://justin.am/ Justin Wise

    That’s the way to do it, Gary. Right there.

    I too am a recovering pastor. I resonate with much of what you’re saying. Sometimes I think being a pastor is the hardest job in the world. Posts like these remind that, unfortunately, I’m right.

    So thankful that you found healing and had the courage to step away when you knew it was time.

    • http://www.garymo.com/ Gary Molander

      Justin – Thanks so much for your affirming response. So glad to know that you are indeed recovering. And you know from experience that it really does take courage. I can count on one hand the people who applauded by decision at the time. Blessings to you, bro. Looking forward to meeting you in person soon.

      • http://twitter.com/joshtate11 Josh Tate

        I am new in full-time ministry and I battle a fake-Josh daily.  My prayer is to be genuine, honest, and transparent.  I strive to be as holy as I can, but sometimes I feel the need to bloat the truth even though I’m on the straight path in the first place – which makes my walk veer and swerve.  Your post was a encouragement and knowing that I don’t have to overexaggerate my walk but just focus on my daily relationship with Jesus and be honest.