I’m Fine

on May 16 in Everyday Life, Faith, Leadership

“The danger is that the soul should persuade itself that it is not hungry.¬† It can only persuade itself of this by lying.” Simone Weil.

I grew up in a Christian tradition where followers adhered to this basic narrative:

My Life Part One:¬† I am not a Christian. I am deeply hungry, thirsty, and lost.¬† I am¬† taught to label all non-Christians “lost people”.¬† I am therefore, lost.

My Life Part Two:¬† At some point, I prayed a “magic” prayer (one that, to this day, I cannot find anywhere in Scripture), and I asked Jesus to come into my heart, and forgive me of my sins.¬† Pamphlet?¬† Check.¬† Prayer Counselor?¬† Check.¬† Singing “Just As I Am”?¬† Check.

My Life Part Three:  Once Part Two was done, I would no longer be hungry, thirsty, or lost.  And if I felt any of those feelings, it would be the Devil speaking those thoughts into my mind.

The conclusion I drew for 35 years was this:  A real Christ-follower, living rightly, could not possibly feel hungry or thirsty for God.

And so… when anyone at church would ask me how I was doing, I’d always say, “Fine.”¬†¬† My answer stemmed from my foregone conclusion.¬† How could a real Christ-follower ever be hungry or thirsty – how could they ever be anything less than “fine”?

Nine years later, I’ve come to the following conclusion:¬† I am more hungry and more thirsty for God than I’ve ever been.¬† I am not “fine” at all.¬†¬† The more I press into the life of Christ, the more discontented I become.¬† The more I seek Him for all that He is, the more strongly I desire for Him to reveal Himself to me.¬† And when I desire that – when I earnestly seek that – He answers me with…

More mystery.

Which just makes me hunger and thirst for Him all the more.

This is the holy Tango that He and I continue to dance.  He leads.  I follow.  He leads some more.  And I try my best to follow, to press into Him, and to humbly ask the right questions.

And I refuse to ever allow the Enemy to lull my heart to sleep (again), under the spiritual guise that everything is somehow “fine”, and that I have no further need to be hungry or thirsty.