My Church Hurt Me
on Feb 21 in Church, Everyday Life, FaithIt comes as no surprise to discover that churches hurt people. The surprise comes when OUR church hurts US. Somehow, churches that dish out pain are reserved for those people, in those cities, over there. Not on our turf.
And then it happens.
We take a five week break, and no one from the church staff team contacts us.
We serve in children’s ministry, faithfully every month for two years. And when we ask for a well-deserved break, we are given a guilt trip instead of a pat on the back.
We preach our hearts out, week in and week out, and watch as good people make a stampede for the back doors because the preaching isn’t “deep” enough.
Church people hurt people.
Can I get an amen? And when we are hurt by churches – whether it’s by people in the pews, staff team members, or leadership boards and committees who question our character – we must do two things.
First, we must visit our pain. This will feel like an extended visit with our in-laws, because it is a time for answering hard questions. During our visit, we must have the courage to ask why we have been hurt so badly. Did we place unrealistic expectations on a key staff member? Did we think we were more important than we turned out to be? Were we misunderstood? Did we feel like our hopes and dreams were squelched? Was there a legitimate bait and switch? Did we keep quiet for too long? Did we remain the squeaky wheel for too long? Is it really all their fault, or is there something we did wrong?
For me, this visit lasted the better part of three years. At one point, in the Summer of 2008, I honestly thought I was done.
There’s a second thing we must do. With Braveheart courage, we must end the visit we’ve established with our pain. This has been, after all, only a visit. We have walked in. We have sat down. We have cried honest tears. And now, we stand up, and we walk back out the door.
Most hurting church people refuse this part of the process, for it is perhaps the most difficult part of living in honest Christian community. It’s too easy not to forgive the church. It gives many of us an excuse never to go back.
And we take it. We choose to hate those people instead of forgiving them. And “hate” is not too strong a word for this. We know that from our experience.
The Apostle John picked up his pen toward the end of his life, and wrote the following to a splintered group of church people who had hurt each other – divided over a theological issue called “Gnosticism” – and who had become bitter and resentful as a result…
“Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble. But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him” (1 John 2:10-11).
When I am hurt by the church, and I choose to hold onto that hurt like a precious family heirloom – without forcing myself to go through the long, arduous process of healing and restoration – I will, by default, become a bitter, resentful person. I will “not know where I am going because the darkness has blinded me.” Been there? Me too.
I don’t want to be a Christian living in darkness. What’s the point of that?
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The corporate movement of the Holy Spirit throughout the body of Christ never ceases to amaze me. While reading your post, I couldn’t help but resonate with the movement of the Spirit in my own life over these very same issues. Recently, I’d read the book by John Burke entitled, “Soul Revolution”. I was challenged to take up term “Speaking the Last 10%” coined by Bill Hybels. It has immediately impacted my view of the church and my relationship with God and others.
I was so blown away by the movement of the Holy Spirit in my relationships this last week. I had made the decision to speak the last 10%. Shortly after this decision, I realized I’d been harboring resentment towards a certain leader in the church. I hadn’t spoken about it with anyone but had stuffed it, thinking it would go away. However, it only festered and grew over time. After this 10% decision, I resolved to go to lunch with this leader and share my heart. I was extremely nervous about this and expected a response such as, “get over it” from this person. However, a profoundly freeing opposite occurred. Love, in the Spirit, broke free during our conversation. In some ways, I’d realized I’d made a mountain out of an ant hill. In other ways, an inroad by the evil one was revealed and frustrations of others in the group were revealed. We were able to dialogue through this issue and bring to light the tension that existed in our group because of unresolved frustrations and resentments. As a result, our group has discussed this openly and forgiveness, breakthrough, and a new level of intimacy have resulted. The enemies stronghold became our Father’s trampoline for helping us all to see further and relate deeper than was previously possible.
I can’t help but wonder if failing to face resentments is how church splits begin. This is just a small example of the kinds of communication breakdowns that take place on a grand scale throughout the bride of Christ. I know I have a ways to go in terms of speaking the truth in love. However, I also know that God is faithful to complete this work he has begun in my heart. It‚Äôs so humbling yet it is empowering beyond measure. I am amazed at the movement of the Holy Spirit in moments like these when pride is crushed for the sake of intimacy.
Matthew 18 gives us instruction as to how to deal with 'hurt' derived from "within the church". I too, have experienced severe trauma from leadership. Even though it has only happened a little less than a year ago, there are days it "seems" like it was yesterday. I read an article on the "Building Church Leaders" website (the link is :http://www.buildingchurchleaders.com/articles/2004/101304a.html <— copy and paste it into your browser if you're interested in reading it) , and I very much agreed with it. There comes a point in time, whether we were wronged, or not – we have to let go off the victim mentality; and move on. I've resigned myself to the fact that apologies will never come. God requires me to forgive these people, whether they apologize or not; so that is what I must.
I couldn’t agree more with you. I’m extremely sorry for you hurt. But there needs to be a “moving on”. Good for you!
GM
Corina – Thanks so much for posting. I am so sorry that you've experienced trauma from leadership. Someone once told me that "pain can't tell time", so the worst pain will feel like it just happened yesterday. No victims! Move on! I love that.
GM